How come when I win, I commend myself and when I lose I condemn myself? If I make a bad play, I can tell myself I can learn from it. It only takes me a minute to get over it emotionally.
When I am lucky and win, even with bad play I don’t feel bad. Yet, when I play very well and then lose I feel depressed and my “poker future” looks bleak to me.
Why is that? Self doubt and self value are only ethereal concepts, how come one is so easy for me to do and not the other?
It is a beautiful day in Southern California in the middle of winter. Sunny and 80 degrees with a blue sky and yet I feel like the peanut’s character who has a dark cloud over him wherever he goes, and my insides, feel as “cold” as a “Minnesota winter”.
It is not poker it is ME that is the problem with my game. I have heard that many who try to make it as a poker player can not deal with the up and downs of the game. I don’t think it is the “game” it is my reactions to the up and downs of the game. Poker could be seen as a illustration of life and our reactions.
Monday night I played well and won $900. Tuesday, I played well and lost $400, Wednesday I played well and lost $300.
Today I just got knocked out of a tournament after playing only three hands in 2 hours. I got all my money in with the best two starting cards dealt. The cards which came on the flop, turn or river, beat me all three hands. (In case you are wondering how I could go “all-in” and lose 3x in one no-limit tournament, it was a “re-buy” tournament for the first hour.) So, in some ways I could condemn myself for losing 3 tournaments in a space of two hours. (very, weak, sick, grin)
How come me and maybe you are “so hard” on ourselves? In actually, I am a winning poker player. This week I am up $180.
Since, I started my quest one year ago this month, I am up $12,000
However, the $12,000 does includes two “bad beat” jackpot’s of nine-thousand and three-thousand for getting beat with aces full and beating aces-full with 4 ten’s. So, does this mean I am really a “break even player” rather then a winning player? I actually think honestly it does reveal that. In this year my “luck” has “evened out”. So, how come I feel like I am “less lucky” then many other players? My poker wins/losses are a indicator of a combination of my luck and skill. By itself it doesn’t really indicate whether I am a good/lucky/bad/unlucky player. I need to remind myself at every full table I am a 9-1 underdog. Even when I break even over time, it reveals that I kept those other players from getting my money, and I won back as much as the casino took from the pot and dropped down the hole in the table. That is one “leak” in my game I will never be able to plug.
So what does tell me whether I am playing well or not? I guess it has to be faith in what I know. My poker knowledge is an accumulation of reading every poker book I can, and learning from every hand I play,. I have read about 30 poker books and played many hands this year. It is hard to see my growth & professional development over this year. I have a few “subjective indicators”. I can now see a lot more “mistakes” others make. I usually realize when I play a hand badly, whether I win or lose the pot. I know I need to keep more detailed records and find a few other “successful players” who can challenge me, and discuss strategy with me. I also need to “find and plug” more “leaks” in my game.
I am realizing I need to “exorcise the demons in my head” who mock me with thoughts like “had you put in that many hours at even a minimum wage job you would be thousands of dollars ahead…..etc, etc”. True, but what would have been the “real cost” of that for me? Suicide, drinking, self-delusion or other self-destructive compensations for participating in a life I don’t want to live
So, what is a honest, professional aspiring, poker player to do. I guess play my best poker every hand, stay “in the moment”, be thankful I am living a life that many only dream of and continue to pursue my own dream of becoming a successful, professional poker player. Oh yes, and continue to work on my “inner game”. I
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